Well, I'm sorry to say that I was in my first "real" car accident today. You know how it is, when it's rush hour, cars line up like there's no tomorrow, and sometimes you don't realize the one in front of you is totally stopped until you're a little close. That's what happened, and I really had enough time to stop, but it was cold and rainy...
As soon as I hit my brakes, I went sliding. I tried to swerve off the road into the entrance to a nearby condominium complex, but my wheel totally locked up, and I was heading straight for the car in front of me. I plowed into him going probably 35 mph. Thank goodness it didn't plummet him into the cars in front of him, and THANK GOODNESS the man I hit was very calm and very gracious. God knew I couldn't handle anything else.
What's even more disappointing is that just a little over a week ago, I finally had the repairs done to my front bumper that I'd been putting off. It had been needing it for more than six month, and I got to enjoy my new beautiful bumper and grill for a full 11 days. Ugh!!!
My neck hurts some, so I think I'm going to get it looked at tomorrow. Overall, I'm ok though. I'm so grateful.
The car didn't fare so well though, and I'm a little scared that there's been too much damage done. The thought of car shopping again totally overwhelms me. I guess I'll find out after I hear the estimate. This is the first car I've owned that I've really loved. My little black Vibe.
I know God will provide for my needs. Not always the exact way I'd hoped, but He always provides. All I have to do is trust Him. Trust and obey.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
What's in a schedule, anyway?
So I've been away from cyberspace for awhile, so sorry. The truth is that I've been working my brains out with my new job...
I graduated in May from Purdue, a milestone I never thought was possible earlier in life, considering where I came from. It was almost surreal. Such a sense of accomplishment and God's blessing. My job search began shortly after, and I have to admit it was more painstaking than I ever thought it would be. I had 2 job offers and another really good prospect. I had no idea which way God wanted me to go, but after alot of prayer and heartache, I believe He lined everything up to take the opportunity for the job I'm currently working.
I love what I do. I absolutely love working with the developmentally disabled. There are so many blessings that come with something like that, a real sense that I'm actually helping someone's life be just a little bit better. That part of me is so glad to be back in the field working, especially back at the same company I was before. If my job just consisted of working with my clients, things would be alot different. Like, if I could just sit and talk to Bert about when he met his girlfriend and the things they have planned to do together this month even though they're older now, or talk to Chris about how he's so proud that he made macaroni and cheese for himself last week, or talk to Charles about who his favorite preacher is, or talk to Eric about how he loves to go horse-back riding. Those are my highlights.
I have to honest and say the rest of the job has utterly overwhelmed me. I've never been responsible for so much paperwork and so many administrative duties in my life. Whether it's true or in my mind, I feel like there's 60 hours of work that I'm trying to accomplish each week in 40 or 45, and I fail every time. I'm finally starting to believe that the illusion I have of being able to get everything done that I set out to do is just that, an illusion. I'm beginning to realize that my expectations are unrealistic, that there will always be something, and that it will still be there tomorrow when I come in.
I've had some slow but sure realizations lately. One of them is that work has been my priority. I've been allowing my work to totally consume me, even though that's not what I set out to do. It's what I think about all of the time, and it's what I let interfere with my personal life, or lack thereof. It's hard to have a social life when you're at the office until 8:00 pm some nights and you still have to hit the gym on the way home.
My relationships are also suffering, I've realized. I'm so scared sometimes to schedule things with people because I'm always thinking I may have to work on "work stuff" or catch up on personal stuff that's been on the back burner for so long due to "work stuff." I think I really thought that my life would be more laid back, more relaxed after I got out of school, but I'm finding that the real problem is my overcommitment issues and inability to balance. Why do I feel like I have to be busy all the time, anyway?
But God is dealing with my heart, because I really believe that it is a heart issue. Last night a few friends and I went to the Jeremy Camp concert in Bloomington, and Jeremy said something that really got my attention. He asked the audience how we were ever going to go deeper in our relationship with God if we didn't make ourselves available to Him. At first I thought he meant spiritually, because I can be guilty at times of holding on to stuff and not giving God full access to my heart, my dreams, and my hopes. But I think he meant in a literal sense too. When our schedules are so busy that we can't even seem to "pencil" God in on our planners, we don't make ourselves available to Him. I'm more than guilty of this too, often not getting enough sleep and rushing off in my day without taking the time to spend with Him. Or trying to go to Him when I return home from a terribly long day-I end up just giving Him what's left over, which is not much. As much as I hate to admit that, I think it means that my actions demonstrate how much I love Him, or should I say how much I have still to love Him. Sure, I try to serve and honor Him in my life, and I think when my heart is right that He's pleased with that. But my priorities are not where they should be, because He belongs at the top of the list.
I'm tired of living my life, running around like I'm in a rat race, not living in the fullness I know He desires for me. I desire that fullness too. I know enough in my walk with Jesus to know that I can't do anything apart from Him. Without realizing it, I just keep trying to do things on my own, but to no avail. I’m tired. I’ve worn myself out in all aspects of my life. I also know that the only good in me comes from Him, and my heart is deceitful and sinful without Him. Deep down in the depths of my heart, I truly want to serve God, to live in obedience to Him, and to surrender everything to Him. That's who I want to be, that's who He made me to be, that's what He desperately wants from and for me.
I graduated in May from Purdue, a milestone I never thought was possible earlier in life, considering where I came from. It was almost surreal. Such a sense of accomplishment and God's blessing. My job search began shortly after, and I have to admit it was more painstaking than I ever thought it would be. I had 2 job offers and another really good prospect. I had no idea which way God wanted me to go, but after alot of prayer and heartache, I believe He lined everything up to take the opportunity for the job I'm currently working.
I love what I do. I absolutely love working with the developmentally disabled. There are so many blessings that come with something like that, a real sense that I'm actually helping someone's life be just a little bit better. That part of me is so glad to be back in the field working, especially back at the same company I was before. If my job just consisted of working with my clients, things would be alot different. Like, if I could just sit and talk to Bert about when he met his girlfriend and the things they have planned to do together this month even though they're older now, or talk to Chris about how he's so proud that he made macaroni and cheese for himself last week, or talk to Charles about who his favorite preacher is, or talk to Eric about how he loves to go horse-back riding. Those are my highlights.
I have to honest and say the rest of the job has utterly overwhelmed me. I've never been responsible for so much paperwork and so many administrative duties in my life. Whether it's true or in my mind, I feel like there's 60 hours of work that I'm trying to accomplish each week in 40 or 45, and I fail every time. I'm finally starting to believe that the illusion I have of being able to get everything done that I set out to do is just that, an illusion. I'm beginning to realize that my expectations are unrealistic, that there will always be something, and that it will still be there tomorrow when I come in.
I've had some slow but sure realizations lately. One of them is that work has been my priority. I've been allowing my work to totally consume me, even though that's not what I set out to do. It's what I think about all of the time, and it's what I let interfere with my personal life, or lack thereof. It's hard to have a social life when you're at the office until 8:00 pm some nights and you still have to hit the gym on the way home.
My relationships are also suffering, I've realized. I'm so scared sometimes to schedule things with people because I'm always thinking I may have to work on "work stuff" or catch up on personal stuff that's been on the back burner for so long due to "work stuff." I think I really thought that my life would be more laid back, more relaxed after I got out of school, but I'm finding that the real problem is my overcommitment issues and inability to balance. Why do I feel like I have to be busy all the time, anyway?
But God is dealing with my heart, because I really believe that it is a heart issue. Last night a few friends and I went to the Jeremy Camp concert in Bloomington, and Jeremy said something that really got my attention. He asked the audience how we were ever going to go deeper in our relationship with God if we didn't make ourselves available to Him. At first I thought he meant spiritually, because I can be guilty at times of holding on to stuff and not giving God full access to my heart, my dreams, and my hopes. But I think he meant in a literal sense too. When our schedules are so busy that we can't even seem to "pencil" God in on our planners, we don't make ourselves available to Him. I'm more than guilty of this too, often not getting enough sleep and rushing off in my day without taking the time to spend with Him. Or trying to go to Him when I return home from a terribly long day-I end up just giving Him what's left over, which is not much. As much as I hate to admit that, I think it means that my actions demonstrate how much I love Him, or should I say how much I have still to love Him. Sure, I try to serve and honor Him in my life, and I think when my heart is right that He's pleased with that. But my priorities are not where they should be, because He belongs at the top of the list.
I'm tired of living my life, running around like I'm in a rat race, not living in the fullness I know He desires for me. I desire that fullness too. I know enough in my walk with Jesus to know that I can't do anything apart from Him. Without realizing it, I just keep trying to do things on my own, but to no avail. I’m tired. I’ve worn myself out in all aspects of my life. I also know that the only good in me comes from Him, and my heart is deceitful and sinful without Him. Deep down in the depths of my heart, I truly want to serve God, to live in obedience to Him, and to surrender everything to Him. That's who I want to be, that's who He made me to be, that's what He desperately wants from and for me.
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