went to jail...

Well, I went to jail tonight. Let me rephrase...I went to a 12-step meeting at the women's jail tonight. I don't think I can really name the fellowship that I'm apart of, so we'll just call it a 12-step program. One of my friends holds a meeting there every Wednesday for the women who want to find recovery. I've been before, but tonight I gave a lead. In our jargon, giving a lead means I got to stand up and tell my story. I got to tell everyone what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. I got to share my experience, strength, and hope with other women who want to stay sober. They responded well. Whenever I speak, sometimes older people are tempted to write me off and say things like, "I spilt more than you drank." People always ask how old I am. After I told them my sobriety date was in May of 99, one of the girls just couldn't believe it, and she said I looked 18! I'm not sure if that was a compliment or not. I'll be 25 in October, and at this point in my life, looking a little older is a good thing. But looking younger...not so much. :)

But as I was talking to them, and looking into their eyes, I couldn't identify with sitting in jail. Although I deserved it many times, I had never been. And so I was humbled before them, ever so thankful that after the meeting, I could walk out of there and go home to my apartment. And I told them, that even though I had never been in jail, and that our addictions may have taken us to different places or different bottoms, that I knew what they felt like on the inside. It's such a deep feeling of hopelessness. Of being in that place where you're too scared to live and too scared to die. In a life of alcoholism and drug addiction, the lonliness is undescribable. It's only when we're at that point of brokenness and desperation that we are able to surrender. And I find that it is the same with most any sin. Even though my life is so different and so much better today, I could still remember what it felt like to be where they were emotionally, trying to figure out how they would stay sober and if it was even worth it to try. I pray that I was able to give just one of them hope by sharing how I was able to stay sober. I wanted so badly to talk about Jesus, but I couldn't because of the setting. As I looked at them, wondering which one of them would actually make it and stay sober when they got out, I thought of their souls and where they would each spend eternity. I can't help but think about that-It's just apart of who I am today. Maybe God is laying some kind of jail ministry on my heart, who knows. I just know that after tonight, I feel like one of the most blessed people on this planet because of my sobriety, my freedom, and because of Jesus Christ.

Finally!!! My DVD!!!

Well, today was the day...the day I've been waiting for for weeks! I ordered a DVD from camp Zenith and have been waiting for it to come in the mail. It was supposed to come the 2nd week in July, but I just kept waiting... Before I go any further, I must admit that I am the type of busy-body that only makes the time to check my mailbox (on the other side of my apartment complex) once, maybe twice a week. I've made it a point not to check it at night alone, and I usually pass by it in the morning on my way to work (running late or right on the minute!). So, for the last two weeks, I started checking my mailbox EVERY day, sometimes twice a day, waiting for the DVD. And each day I was discusted to only find more bills. :) So this evening when it came, I ran home and put it in the DVD player (forgetting I had a final to study for) and just soaked it all in...again. It was just as good as I remembered it to be. Craziness, fun, laughter, love, passion, and most of all, Christ. God was doing so much in my heart and in the hearts of those kids that week. He was really speaking truth into their lives. I pray that He would continue to water the seeds planted in their hearts that week as he keeps the urgency of sharing the truth with others alive in me.

Psalm 51 and 32

For some reason, God has really been drawing me to Psalm 51 and Psalm 32 to meditate on this week. These are the Psalms that David wrote after he was confronted by Nathan the prophet about his sin with Bathsheba. Just as David was unfaithful, I think of how often I am unfaithful to Christ and how often I feel the things that David wrote of in the Psalms.

Psalm 51:1-17

Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.
Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.
For I recognize my rebellion;
it haunts me day and night.
Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
and your judgement against me is just.
For I was born a sinner-
yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
But you desire honesty from the inward parts,
teaching me wisdom even there.
Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me-
now let me rejoice.
Don't keep looking at my sins.
Remove the stain of my guilt.
Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a right spirit within me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.
Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
and they will return to you.
Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
Unseal my lips, O Lord,
that my mouth may praise you.
You do not desire a sacrifice, or I woul offer one.
You do not want a burnt offering.
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.


Psalm 32

Oh, what joy for those
whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
Yes, what joy for those
whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
When I refuse to confess my sin,
my body wasted away,
and I groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, "I will confess my rebellion to the Lord."
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time,
that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.
For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.
The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control."
Many sorrows come to the wicked,
but unfailing love surrounds those who obey him!
Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!