That thing called love...

Okay, so I was catching up on some blogs and read on a guy friend of mine's blog about the pains and nervousness of making the first move or asking a girl out. Very hilarious account by the way! Most of the time I don't think about guys going through all of that. I usually see it as men having the better end of the deal-if they want to pursue a girl, they just do it. While alot of times as a woman, I feel that I can't do much with what I feel if I'm interested in someone, but turn that desire over to God and wait...and wait...and wait. Not that waiting on God's timing is bad or an undesirable thing, but sometimes my flesh grows tired of waiting. I don't want to pursue though, I want to be pursued! I've spent too much of my life pursuing what our culture tells us we as women can pursue and it left me quite disappointed and lacking. I want to wait for God's man. I just believe that God wants to be involved in ever detail of our lives as believers, and our love life is no different. He knows what I need before I even have it, and I trust that He is better at choosing a mate for me than I would ever be.
I haven't been in a relationship since I've been a believer. God changed my heart about three and a half years ago. It has actually been such a blessing, being single, because it has really allowed me to grow in my relationship with Christ, to find out who I am in Him, my likes and dislikes, etc. I was so enmeshed with others in relationships for most of my teenage life that by the time it was all over, I really didn't know who I was. So I think it was in October or November of 03, that I got on E Harmony and joined for a month. I had been hearing their advertisements on Christian radio for over a year and thought why not. Now mind you, I have NEVER been one to do chat rooms or on-line dating gigs-this was a first. So within a few weeks, I met several guys who seemed nice, but I really felt some chemistry with a minister named Rick. We went through all of the questioning (E Harmony has so much you have to ask and answer to the other person before you can e-mail through the system, like open-ended questions, likes and dislikes, etc.) So we e-mailed within the E Harmony system for a few weeks and then he asked if we could e-mail regularly. Of course I was thrilled and we did. We made date nights to IM and really built a friendship with a definite hint of romance. He is really passionate about the Lord and it's so evident in everything he says. That's definitely what attracted him to me. But not too long after that, he had something kind of tragic happen and he lost someone in his family. It really effected him more so by opening some old hurts and unanswered questions. So he asked me to pray for him and said he needed to take some time off to gather himself and seek the Lord. I said absolutely and really tried to encourage him while I continued to pray. That was a year and a half ago, and I've heard from him once, saying that he didn't think he'd hear from me again because so much time had gone by and that he didn't know where to begin. But after I responded to that e-mail, he has never responded again. Probably the most troubling thing to me is not knowing, not knowing if he just thinks the timing is wrong, whether he decided he wasn't interested (which I just don't believe), or whether he just met someone else and was too scared to tell me. The not knowing makes me crazy sometimes, but the more I grow, the more I just trust the God is in control of the situation. Maybe the time is not yet, or maybe Rick is just not the one. Whatever the case is, I'm okay with it. I finally stopped e-mailing him and just turned it over. I don't want to pursue, I want to be pursued! And while I was feeling hurt and confused about the whole situation last fall, one day in prayer, I really felt that God was whispering to my heart, "You can be upset or you can trust me. I'm still in control of this. I know what qualities you need in a husband and I know what Rick needs in a wife. As you pray for your own future husband, begin to pray for his wife, that she would be a woman who fears and honors me and who will bless him. Oh daughter, trust me!" And so I began to pray for Rick's wife and my heart has changed. How does God do that anyway? Like praying for someone you're resentful at, that God would bless them. Somehow the resentment begins to fade and a new perspective emerges. Probably closer to the perspective of Christ and less of that of ourselves.

So whoever God has chosen for me, he is the one I want. Whoever he is-I've yet to know. :) I know that as a woman who wants to be pursed by the man of her dreams-a man that is sold out to Jesus Christ and spreading the gospel-that I pray for God to put on his heart to pursue me after much prayer and that God would confirm it in his spirit. Sometimes it is also a challenge for me to veiw single Christian men first as brothers in Christ, and not as potential husbands. (Of course it's impossible not to at least think about it! Sometimes my thinking get kinda wacked out reviewing all the possibilities!) While it is okay to think about that sometimes, I pray for God to lessen the distraction and deepen my focus on Him. But reading that blog earlier makes me want to share some thoughts from Josh Harris for all you men who struggle with initiating or knowing what to do:

Josh shares a quote by Elizabeth Elliot (whom I dearly love! Check out my favorite book list) where she says, "The world cries for men who are strong-strong in conviction, strong to lead, to stand, to suffer. I pray that you will be that kind of man-glad that God mad you a man, glad to shoulder the burden of manliness in a time when to do so will often bring contmept."
God calls men to be servant initiators-firm, but gentle; masculine, yet caring; leaders, yet servants; protectors, not seducers. Assume responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women. Leading is a form of serving. When you provide direction, suggest ideas, and initiate conversation or activities, you're serving your sisters. Servant leadership requires work. It means sacrifice. It isn't tyranny, it's service rendered. It's difficult, but it's a big part of what it means to be a man.
Be a spiritual leader. Men, we should set the spiritual pace (Josh speaking) in our relationships with women. We should be the ones to make sure our relationships aren't merely superficial and entertainment oriented, but deep, God focused, and characterized by biblical fellowship.
Do little things in your relationships with women that communicate your care, respect, and desire to protect. Simply be a gentleman to the women in our life. Your goal is to show through your actions that their status as a woman is a noble one. You do these things for God's glory. You do them to serve a sister in Christ and honor her as a woman.
Encourage women to embrace godly femininity. Look for ways to encourage your sisters. When they make room for you to practice leadership, thank them. When they're humble and gentle, encourage them. Femininity is not weakness. It requires great strength of character for a woman to be gentle in an age that screams for her to do otherwise. When you see a woman going against the grain of culture by cultivating a skill that will serve her family someday, compliment her. When a girl is prusuing a demanding career, but is still being feminine, let her know that you notice. Let her know you respect her. We men should be the biggest encouragers and prayer warriors for women who are seeking to glorify God by practicing godly femininity.
He also goes on the encourage woman:
Don't give up on us. We need your support. We need your prayers. We need you to fix your eyes on God-not on the men who have misrepresented His plan-and live your life in response to how God calls you to be as a woman.

This book along with many others (the list is still growing) about singleness and courtship have shed so much light on how to serve God to the fullest as a single and also on how to prepare for the season of marriage and family. I baby-sat Kyle tonight, speaking of family. He's the youngest of the four boys that I baby-sit on Monday nights. He's about 8 months old now and is getting heavy! I took him with me to Celebrate Recovery, and he was great. He's such a flirt! He only has five teeth, but bared all as a smile was plastered on his face most of the night in a room full of woman! He's so precious-what a blessing!