Yesterday was my parent's 27th wedding anniversary! I'm so happy for them! They had to help my grandmother alot yesterday because she had surgery, but they were able to go out for dinner last night and spend some time together. My dad got some prime rib, and he always cuts the fat off from around the edges when he eats it. So last night when I got home, I noticed that they had stopped by my apartment and there was a little to-go-box with prime rib scraps in my fridge with "Katie" etched on it. Spoiled brat-she ate it right up! (for those of you who don't know, Katie is my 17 year-old pup)
We were at bible study tonight, and I brought a cake for their anniversary so we celebrated it with the group. I've been thinking alot lately of how grateful I am for my parents. They definitely have their faults and are not perfect, but they have loved me and forgiven me without condition. Through their own mistakes, they have shown me alot of things NOT to do, but they have also shown me that no matter what, commitment to marriage is important. I have found that it is a rarity to find friends who's parents are still together and married, and I feel sure blessed to have that commodity. Mom and dad are two of my best friends today, and it's been that way for several years. I talk to mom everyday and dad several times a week. I can tell them anything, well just about anything, and they often confide in me. God has shown me so much about being a child of His by getting to know Him more as my heavenly father. He is everything I need in a father and so much more. He also makes me so grateful to have the loving parents that He entrusted me to on this earth, who have shared their lives and love for 27 years.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Friday, August 26, 2005
That thing called love...
Okay, so I was catching up on some blogs and read on a guy friend of mine's blog about the pains and nervousness of making the first move or asking a girl out. Very hilarious account by the way! Most of the time I don't think about guys going through all of that. I usually see it as men having the better end of the deal-if they want to pursue a girl, they just do it. While alot of times as a woman, I feel that I can't do much with what I feel if I'm interested in someone, but turn that desire over to God and wait...and wait...and wait. Not that waiting on God's timing is bad or an undesirable thing, but sometimes my flesh grows tired of waiting. I don't want to pursue though, I want to be pursued! I've spent too much of my life pursuing what our culture tells us we as women can pursue and it left me quite disappointed and lacking. I want to wait for God's man. I just believe that God wants to be involved in ever detail of our lives as believers, and our love life is no different. He knows what I need before I even have it, and I trust that He is better at choosing a mate for me than I would ever be.
I haven't been in a relationship since I've been a believer. God changed my heart about three and a half years ago. It has actually been such a blessing, being single, because it has really allowed me to grow in my relationship with Christ, to find out who I am in Him, my likes and dislikes, etc. I was so enmeshed with others in relationships for most of my teenage life that by the time it was all over, I really didn't know who I was. So I think it was in October or November of 03, that I got on E Harmony and joined for a month. I had been hearing their advertisements on Christian radio for over a year and thought why not. Now mind you, I have NEVER been one to do chat rooms or on-line dating gigs-this was a first. So within a few weeks, I met several guys who seemed nice, but I really felt some chemistry with a minister named Rick. We went through all of the questioning (E Harmony has so much you have to ask and answer to the other person before you can e-mail through the system, like open-ended questions, likes and dislikes, etc.) So we e-mailed within the E Harmony system for a few weeks and then he asked if we could e-mail regularly. Of course I was thrilled and we did. We made date nights to IM and really built a friendship with a definite hint of romance. He is really passionate about the Lord and it's so evident in everything he says. That's definitely what attracted him to me. But not too long after that, he had something kind of tragic happen and he lost someone in his family. It really effected him more so by opening some old hurts and unanswered questions. So he asked me to pray for him and said he needed to take some time off to gather himself and seek the Lord. I said absolutely and really tried to encourage him while I continued to pray. That was a year and a half ago, and I've heard from him once, saying that he didn't think he'd hear from me again because so much time had gone by and that he didn't know where to begin. But after I responded to that e-mail, he has never responded again. Probably the most troubling thing to me is not knowing, not knowing if he just thinks the timing is wrong, whether he decided he wasn't interested (which I just don't believe), or whether he just met someone else and was too scared to tell me. The not knowing makes me crazy sometimes, but the more I grow, the more I just trust the God is in control of the situation. Maybe the time is not yet, or maybe Rick is just not the one. Whatever the case is, I'm okay with it. I finally stopped e-mailing him and just turned it over. I don't want to pursue, I want to be pursued! And while I was feeling hurt and confused about the whole situation last fall, one day in prayer, I really felt that God was whispering to my heart, "You can be upset or you can trust me. I'm still in control of this. I know what qualities you need in a husband and I know what Rick needs in a wife. As you pray for your own future husband, begin to pray for his wife, that she would be a woman who fears and honors me and who will bless him. Oh daughter, trust me!" And so I began to pray for Rick's wife and my heart has changed. How does God do that anyway? Like praying for someone you're resentful at, that God would bless them. Somehow the resentment begins to fade and a new perspective emerges. Probably closer to the perspective of Christ and less of that of ourselves.
So whoever God has chosen for me, he is the one I want. Whoever he is-I've yet to know. :) I know that as a woman who wants to be pursed by the man of her dreams-a man that is sold out to Jesus Christ and spreading the gospel-that I pray for God to put on his heart to pursue me after much prayer and that God would confirm it in his spirit. Sometimes it is also a challenge for me to veiw single Christian men first as brothers in Christ, and not as potential husbands. (Of course it's impossible not to at least think about it! Sometimes my thinking get kinda wacked out reviewing all the possibilities!) While it is okay to think about that sometimes, I pray for God to lessen the distraction and deepen my focus on Him. But reading that blog earlier makes me want to share some thoughts from Josh Harris for all you men who struggle with initiating or knowing what to do:
Josh shares a quote by Elizabeth Elliot (whom I dearly love! Check out my favorite book list) where she says, "The world cries for men who are strong-strong in conviction, strong to lead, to stand, to suffer. I pray that you will be that kind of man-glad that God mad you a man, glad to shoulder the burden of manliness in a time when to do so will often bring contmept."
God calls men to be servant initiators-firm, but gentle; masculine, yet caring; leaders, yet servants; protectors, not seducers. Assume responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women. Leading is a form of serving. When you provide direction, suggest ideas, and initiate conversation or activities, you're serving your sisters. Servant leadership requires work. It means sacrifice. It isn't tyranny, it's service rendered. It's difficult, but it's a big part of what it means to be a man.
Be a spiritual leader. Men, we should set the spiritual pace (Josh speaking) in our relationships with women. We should be the ones to make sure our relationships aren't merely superficial and entertainment oriented, but deep, God focused, and characterized by biblical fellowship.
Do little things in your relationships with women that communicate your care, respect, and desire to protect. Simply be a gentleman to the women in our life. Your goal is to show through your actions that their status as a woman is a noble one. You do these things for God's glory. You do them to serve a sister in Christ and honor her as a woman.
Encourage women to embrace godly femininity. Look for ways to encourage your sisters. When they make room for you to practice leadership, thank them. When they're humble and gentle, encourage them. Femininity is not weakness. It requires great strength of character for a woman to be gentle in an age that screams for her to do otherwise. When you see a woman going against the grain of culture by cultivating a skill that will serve her family someday, compliment her. When a girl is prusuing a demanding career, but is still being feminine, let her know that you notice. Let her know you respect her. We men should be the biggest encouragers and prayer warriors for women who are seeking to glorify God by practicing godly femininity.
He also goes on the encourage woman:
Don't give up on us. We need your support. We need your prayers. We need you to fix your eyes on God-not on the men who have misrepresented His plan-and live your life in response to how God calls you to be as a woman.
This book along with many others (the list is still growing) about singleness and courtship have shed so much light on how to serve God to the fullest as a single and also on how to prepare for the season of marriage and family. I baby-sat Kyle tonight, speaking of family. He's the youngest of the four boys that I baby-sit on Monday nights. He's about 8 months old now and is getting heavy! I took him with me to Celebrate Recovery, and he was great. He's such a flirt! He only has five teeth, but bared all as a smile was plastered on his face most of the night in a room full of woman! He's so precious-what a blessing!
I haven't been in a relationship since I've been a believer. God changed my heart about three and a half years ago. It has actually been such a blessing, being single, because it has really allowed me to grow in my relationship with Christ, to find out who I am in Him, my likes and dislikes, etc. I was so enmeshed with others in relationships for most of my teenage life that by the time it was all over, I really didn't know who I was. So I think it was in October or November of 03, that I got on E Harmony and joined for a month. I had been hearing their advertisements on Christian radio for over a year and thought why not. Now mind you, I have NEVER been one to do chat rooms or on-line dating gigs-this was a first. So within a few weeks, I met several guys who seemed nice, but I really felt some chemistry with a minister named Rick. We went through all of the questioning (E Harmony has so much you have to ask and answer to the other person before you can e-mail through the system, like open-ended questions, likes and dislikes, etc.) So we e-mailed within the E Harmony system for a few weeks and then he asked if we could e-mail regularly. Of course I was thrilled and we did. We made date nights to IM and really built a friendship with a definite hint of romance. He is really passionate about the Lord and it's so evident in everything he says. That's definitely what attracted him to me. But not too long after that, he had something kind of tragic happen and he lost someone in his family. It really effected him more so by opening some old hurts and unanswered questions. So he asked me to pray for him and said he needed to take some time off to gather himself and seek the Lord. I said absolutely and really tried to encourage him while I continued to pray. That was a year and a half ago, and I've heard from him once, saying that he didn't think he'd hear from me again because so much time had gone by and that he didn't know where to begin. But after I responded to that e-mail, he has never responded again. Probably the most troubling thing to me is not knowing, not knowing if he just thinks the timing is wrong, whether he decided he wasn't interested (which I just don't believe), or whether he just met someone else and was too scared to tell me. The not knowing makes me crazy sometimes, but the more I grow, the more I just trust the God is in control of the situation. Maybe the time is not yet, or maybe Rick is just not the one. Whatever the case is, I'm okay with it. I finally stopped e-mailing him and just turned it over. I don't want to pursue, I want to be pursued! And while I was feeling hurt and confused about the whole situation last fall, one day in prayer, I really felt that God was whispering to my heart, "You can be upset or you can trust me. I'm still in control of this. I know what qualities you need in a husband and I know what Rick needs in a wife. As you pray for your own future husband, begin to pray for his wife, that she would be a woman who fears and honors me and who will bless him. Oh daughter, trust me!" And so I began to pray for Rick's wife and my heart has changed. How does God do that anyway? Like praying for someone you're resentful at, that God would bless them. Somehow the resentment begins to fade and a new perspective emerges. Probably closer to the perspective of Christ and less of that of ourselves.
So whoever God has chosen for me, he is the one I want. Whoever he is-I've yet to know. :) I know that as a woman who wants to be pursed by the man of her dreams-a man that is sold out to Jesus Christ and spreading the gospel-that I pray for God to put on his heart to pursue me after much prayer and that God would confirm it in his spirit. Sometimes it is also a challenge for me to veiw single Christian men first as brothers in Christ, and not as potential husbands. (Of course it's impossible not to at least think about it! Sometimes my thinking get kinda wacked out reviewing all the possibilities!) While it is okay to think about that sometimes, I pray for God to lessen the distraction and deepen my focus on Him. But reading that blog earlier makes me want to share some thoughts from Josh Harris for all you men who struggle with initiating or knowing what to do:
Josh shares a quote by Elizabeth Elliot (whom I dearly love! Check out my favorite book list) where she says, "The world cries for men who are strong-strong in conviction, strong to lead, to stand, to suffer. I pray that you will be that kind of man-glad that God mad you a man, glad to shoulder the burden of manliness in a time when to do so will often bring contmept."
God calls men to be servant initiators-firm, but gentle; masculine, yet caring; leaders, yet servants; protectors, not seducers. Assume responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women. Leading is a form of serving. When you provide direction, suggest ideas, and initiate conversation or activities, you're serving your sisters. Servant leadership requires work. It means sacrifice. It isn't tyranny, it's service rendered. It's difficult, but it's a big part of what it means to be a man.
Be a spiritual leader. Men, we should set the spiritual pace (Josh speaking) in our relationships with women. We should be the ones to make sure our relationships aren't merely superficial and entertainment oriented, but deep, God focused, and characterized by biblical fellowship.
Do little things in your relationships with women that communicate your care, respect, and desire to protect. Simply be a gentleman to the women in our life. Your goal is to show through your actions that their status as a woman is a noble one. You do these things for God's glory. You do them to serve a sister in Christ and honor her as a woman.
Encourage women to embrace godly femininity. Look for ways to encourage your sisters. When they make room for you to practice leadership, thank them. When they're humble and gentle, encourage them. Femininity is not weakness. It requires great strength of character for a woman to be gentle in an age that screams for her to do otherwise. When you see a woman going against the grain of culture by cultivating a skill that will serve her family someday, compliment her. When a girl is prusuing a demanding career, but is still being feminine, let her know that you notice. Let her know you respect her. We men should be the biggest encouragers and prayer warriors for women who are seeking to glorify God by practicing godly femininity.
He also goes on the encourage woman:
Don't give up on us. We need your support. We need your prayers. We need you to fix your eyes on God-not on the men who have misrepresented His plan-and live your life in response to how God calls you to be as a woman.
This book along with many others (the list is still growing) about singleness and courtship have shed so much light on how to serve God to the fullest as a single and also on how to prepare for the season of marriage and family. I baby-sat Kyle tonight, speaking of family. He's the youngest of the four boys that I baby-sit on Monday nights. He's about 8 months old now and is getting heavy! I took him with me to Celebrate Recovery, and he was great. He's such a flirt! He only has five teeth, but bared all as a smile was plastered on his face most of the night in a room full of woman! He's so precious-what a blessing!
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Church
Well, today was my second week visiting a new church. I've been praying about it for over a year and really have struggled with it. When I began praying about it last year, I really felt that God was asking me to examine my motives and to serve more where I was planted. And so I have, and have been so blessed by it. But the struggle in my heart has deepened, and I finally feel at peace with visiting somewhere else. I don't want to go into any more detail here, but feel free to drop me an e-mail if you want to know more. Please pray for me, that my heart would be in the right place and that God would reveal to me where He wants me. Wherever He wants me, that's where I want to be. The lesson this morning left me so challenged and moved...I love it when God touches my heart that way and stretches my spiritual comfort zone!
Saturday, August 13, 2005
An Awesome Week
I have had one of the best weeks since...I can't remember when. Maybe for several different reasons-I'm not sure.
Since coming to know Jesus, spending time with Him everyday in prayer and allowing Him to speak to me through His Word has just been a priority. It's like fostering any relationship-you have to spend time with them talking and listening. But for some reason, I had allowed that time to become less and less consistent and often. As believers, we are in spiritual warfare everyday, warring against the flesh to submit to the will of God. Because it is TRUTH, the Word of God is our armor, sharper than any double-edged sword, that we need to fight the Enemy. In an earthly sense, we would never send a soldier into battle without something to protect and defend himself with! So why do I allow myself to go about my day without renewing my mind with God's Word? I'm not sure sometimes, but today I know that the truth will set me free and it's found in the Bible. I'm so thankful for the Bible and for the many many men and women who gave their lives so that we could have God's Word so available to us. To my point about this week-God really had been pressing on my heart that I had not been putting Him as a priority all of the time by not spending time with Him, and that I had been running off into my day without even thanking Him for who He is and the work of the Cross. So I asked a sister in Christ for some strong accountability, and I think God has honored that because I've been in the word everyday this week. I can't believe what a difference it makes the more I'm in the Word!
I've also been experiencing some victory in some areas of my life that I've struggled with for quite some time, one of them for most of my life. The freedom I've felt this week has been overwhelming and only possible though Jesus. Our Lord is mighty and can deliver like no other!
I guess that's the only big thing going this week that made it so awesome, but they were enough!
Last weekend was extremely painful. My dog Katie (the most adorable Beagle-look-a-like you've ever seen) turned 17 this month. I got her as a gift from my father on my 8th birthday. She hadn't been doing so well and so I called the vet on Thursday of last week. She'd been losing weight and getting sick constantly. So I took her to the vet on Friday, and he took some blood and told me she had an enlarged liver. He said he wanted to keep her overnight until he got the blood tests back, but that he didn't think it looked good. I left her there on Friday and cried the whole way home. I've known for a while that the time would come when she would pass or I've have to have her put to sleep, but that doesn't mean it's any easier to hear someone say it. I prayed about it all weekend and tried to prepare for the worst. I wanted to do the right thing, even if it was the hardest, and just trust the Lord would heal my heart. I picked her up on Sunday, and to my pleasant surprise, he said that he was wrong about her liver. It was slightly enlarged, but her liver enzyme tests came back normal! He was however, worried about some toxins that were building up in her system that indicated her kidneys weren't functioning as well. So we started her on a new diet that he said should take care of it (and take care of emptying my wallet), and I'm happy to report that she is also doing great! At least great for being 119 in dog years! She appears to be putting a little bit of weight back on and has not gotten sick once. :) Praise God for being gracious enough to entrust her to me for a little longer. I would love to post some pictures of her and I, but I haven't quite got the picture thing figured out yet. I'll get them up as soon as I do!
Since coming to know Jesus, spending time with Him everyday in prayer and allowing Him to speak to me through His Word has just been a priority. It's like fostering any relationship-you have to spend time with them talking and listening. But for some reason, I had allowed that time to become less and less consistent and often. As believers, we are in spiritual warfare everyday, warring against the flesh to submit to the will of God. Because it is TRUTH, the Word of God is our armor, sharper than any double-edged sword, that we need to fight the Enemy. In an earthly sense, we would never send a soldier into battle without something to protect and defend himself with! So why do I allow myself to go about my day without renewing my mind with God's Word? I'm not sure sometimes, but today I know that the truth will set me free and it's found in the Bible. I'm so thankful for the Bible and for the many many men and women who gave their lives so that we could have God's Word so available to us. To my point about this week-God really had been pressing on my heart that I had not been putting Him as a priority all of the time by not spending time with Him, and that I had been running off into my day without even thanking Him for who He is and the work of the Cross. So I asked a sister in Christ for some strong accountability, and I think God has honored that because I've been in the word everyday this week. I can't believe what a difference it makes the more I'm in the Word!
I've also been experiencing some victory in some areas of my life that I've struggled with for quite some time, one of them for most of my life. The freedom I've felt this week has been overwhelming and only possible though Jesus. Our Lord is mighty and can deliver like no other!
I guess that's the only big thing going this week that made it so awesome, but they were enough!
Last weekend was extremely painful. My dog Katie (the most adorable Beagle-look-a-like you've ever seen) turned 17 this month. I got her as a gift from my father on my 8th birthday. She hadn't been doing so well and so I called the vet on Thursday of last week. She'd been losing weight and getting sick constantly. So I took her to the vet on Friday, and he took some blood and told me she had an enlarged liver. He said he wanted to keep her overnight until he got the blood tests back, but that he didn't think it looked good. I left her there on Friday and cried the whole way home. I've known for a while that the time would come when she would pass or I've have to have her put to sleep, but that doesn't mean it's any easier to hear someone say it. I prayed about it all weekend and tried to prepare for the worst. I wanted to do the right thing, even if it was the hardest, and just trust the Lord would heal my heart. I picked her up on Sunday, and to my pleasant surprise, he said that he was wrong about her liver. It was slightly enlarged, but her liver enzyme tests came back normal! He was however, worried about some toxins that were building up in her system that indicated her kidneys weren't functioning as well. So we started her on a new diet that he said should take care of it (and take care of emptying my wallet), and I'm happy to report that she is also doing great! At least great for being 119 in dog years! She appears to be putting a little bit of weight back on and has not gotten sick once. :) Praise God for being gracious enough to entrust her to me for a little longer. I would love to post some pictures of her and I, but I haven't quite got the picture thing figured out yet. I'll get them up as soon as I do!
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
went to jail...
Well, I went to jail tonight. Let me rephrase...I went to a 12-step meeting at the women's jail tonight. I don't think I can really name the fellowship that I'm apart of, so we'll just call it a 12-step program. One of my friends holds a meeting there every Wednesday for the women who want to find recovery. I've been before, but tonight I gave a lead. In our jargon, giving a lead means I got to stand up and tell my story. I got to tell everyone what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. I got to share my experience, strength, and hope with other women who want to stay sober. They responded well. Whenever I speak, sometimes older people are tempted to write me off and say things like, "I spilt more than you drank." People always ask how old I am. After I told them my sobriety date was in May of 99, one of the girls just couldn't believe it, and she said I looked 18! I'm not sure if that was a compliment or not. I'll be 25 in October, and at this point in my life, looking a little older is a good thing. But looking younger...not so much. :)
But as I was talking to them, and looking into their eyes, I couldn't identify with sitting in jail. Although I deserved it many times, I had never been. And so I was humbled before them, ever so thankful that after the meeting, I could walk out of there and go home to my apartment. And I told them, that even though I had never been in jail, and that our addictions may have taken us to different places or different bottoms, that I knew what they felt like on the inside. It's such a deep feeling of hopelessness. Of being in that place where you're too scared to live and too scared to die. In a life of alcoholism and drug addiction, the lonliness is undescribable. It's only when we're at that point of brokenness and desperation that we are able to surrender. And I find that it is the same with most any sin. Even though my life is so different and so much better today, I could still remember what it felt like to be where they were emotionally, trying to figure out how they would stay sober and if it was even worth it to try. I pray that I was able to give just one of them hope by sharing how I was able to stay sober. I wanted so badly to talk about Jesus, but I couldn't because of the setting. As I looked at them, wondering which one of them would actually make it and stay sober when they got out, I thought of their souls and where they would each spend eternity. I can't help but think about that-It's just apart of who I am today. Maybe God is laying some kind of jail ministry on my heart, who knows. I just know that after tonight, I feel like one of the most blessed people on this planet because of my sobriety, my freedom, and because of Jesus Christ.
But as I was talking to them, and looking into their eyes, I couldn't identify with sitting in jail. Although I deserved it many times, I had never been. And so I was humbled before them, ever so thankful that after the meeting, I could walk out of there and go home to my apartment. And I told them, that even though I had never been in jail, and that our addictions may have taken us to different places or different bottoms, that I knew what they felt like on the inside. It's such a deep feeling of hopelessness. Of being in that place where you're too scared to live and too scared to die. In a life of alcoholism and drug addiction, the lonliness is undescribable. It's only when we're at that point of brokenness and desperation that we are able to surrender. And I find that it is the same with most any sin. Even though my life is so different and so much better today, I could still remember what it felt like to be where they were emotionally, trying to figure out how they would stay sober and if it was even worth it to try. I pray that I was able to give just one of them hope by sharing how I was able to stay sober. I wanted so badly to talk about Jesus, but I couldn't because of the setting. As I looked at them, wondering which one of them would actually make it and stay sober when they got out, I thought of their souls and where they would each spend eternity. I can't help but think about that-It's just apart of who I am today. Maybe God is laying some kind of jail ministry on my heart, who knows. I just know that after tonight, I feel like one of the most blessed people on this planet because of my sobriety, my freedom, and because of Jesus Christ.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Finally!!! My DVD!!!
Well, today was the day...the day I've been waiting for for weeks! I ordered a DVD from camp Zenith and have been waiting for it to come in the mail. It was supposed to come the 2nd week in July, but I just kept waiting... Before I go any further, I must admit that I am the type of busy-body that only makes the time to check my mailbox (on the other side of my apartment complex) once, maybe twice a week. I've made it a point not to check it at night alone, and I usually pass by it in the morning on my way to work (running late or right on the minute!). So, for the last two weeks, I started checking my mailbox EVERY day, sometimes twice a day, waiting for the DVD. And each day I was discusted to only find more bills. :) So this evening when it came, I ran home and put it in the DVD player (forgetting I had a final to study for) and just soaked it all in...again. It was just as good as I remembered it to be. Craziness, fun, laughter, love, passion, and most of all, Christ. God was doing so much in my heart and in the hearts of those kids that week. He was really speaking truth into their lives. I pray that He would continue to water the seeds planted in their hearts that week as he keeps the urgency of sharing the truth with others alive in me.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Psalm 51 and 32
For some reason, God has really been drawing me to Psalm 51 and Psalm 32 to meditate on this week. These are the Psalms that David wrote after he was confronted by Nathan the prophet about his sin with Bathsheba. Just as David was unfaithful, I think of how often I am unfaithful to Christ and how often I feel the things that David wrote of in the Psalms.
Psalm 51:1-17
Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.
Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.
For I recognize my rebellion;
it haunts me day and night.
Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
and your judgement against me is just.
For I was born a sinner-
yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
But you desire honesty from the inward parts,
teaching me wisdom even there.
Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me-
now let me rejoice.
Don't keep looking at my sins.
Remove the stain of my guilt.
Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a right spirit within me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.
Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
and they will return to you.
Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
Unseal my lips, O Lord,
that my mouth may praise you.
You do not desire a sacrifice, or I woul offer one.
You do not want a burnt offering.
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
Psalm 32
Oh, what joy for those
whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
Yes, what joy for those
whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
When I refuse to confess my sin,
my body wasted away,
and I groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, "I will confess my rebellion to the Lord."
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time,
that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.
For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.
The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control."
Many sorrows come to the wicked,
but unfailing love surrounds those who obey him!
Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!
Psalm 51:1-17
Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.
Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.
For I recognize my rebellion;
it haunts me day and night.
Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
and your judgement against me is just.
For I was born a sinner-
yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
But you desire honesty from the inward parts,
teaching me wisdom even there.
Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me-
now let me rejoice.
Don't keep looking at my sins.
Remove the stain of my guilt.
Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a right spirit within me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you.
Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
and they will return to you.
Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
Unseal my lips, O Lord,
that my mouth may praise you.
You do not desire a sacrifice, or I woul offer one.
You do not want a burnt offering.
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.
Psalm 32
Oh, what joy for those
whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
Yes, what joy for those
whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
When I refuse to confess my sin,
my body wasted away,
and I groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, "I will confess my rebellion to the Lord."
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time,
that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.
For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.
The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control."
Many sorrows come to the wicked,
but unfailing love surrounds those who obey him!
Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Worn out
Man, since I've been out of town for over a week, it's kind of hard getting back in the swing of things. With the usual 4-6 hour nights of sleep at Zenith, I came home quite exhausted. I ate in the cafeteria there all week, and I had more fries last week than I've probably had in the last 6 months! Needless to say, it's been really hard to get psyched up about getting into my workout routine again. It was challenging yesterday, but today I really found myself having to pray for God to give me the motivation and to help me to finish. You know how it is, it's just hard to stay at something when every cell in your body cries, "I don't want to be here!" Anyway, I finished my workout, and my body is starting to adjust again. God is good.
My prayer with this area of my life is not much different than my prayer for any other area of my life...Thy will be done. I've stuggled with my weight my whole life, but it really took off for me when I quit smoking (when I became a Christian). And it always used to be about the wieght and how I looked, but I realized that that can be just as idolitrous as anything if that's what I'm chasing. Today, I really want to serve God with every part of me, and that obviously includes my body. Not that I'm not serving Him now, but I think I could better serve Him by taking care of the body he gave me. So I've lost about 20 pounds, but still have quite a ways to go. Sometimes it can get discouraging, especially since I like chocolate so much! :) But as I seek Him, I'm just reminded that it's not about the pounds or the results, it's about my heart. It's about whether my hearts desire is to really honor God.
My prayer with this area of my life is not much different than my prayer for any other area of my life...Thy will be done. I've stuggled with my weight my whole life, but it really took off for me when I quit smoking (when I became a Christian). And it always used to be about the wieght and how I looked, but I realized that that can be just as idolitrous as anything if that's what I'm chasing. Today, I really want to serve God with every part of me, and that obviously includes my body. Not that I'm not serving Him now, but I think I could better serve Him by taking care of the body he gave me. So I've lost about 20 pounds, but still have quite a ways to go. Sometimes it can get discouraging, especially since I like chocolate so much! :) But as I seek Him, I'm just reminded that it's not about the pounds or the results, it's about my heart. It's about whether my hearts desire is to really honor God.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Zenith 2005
Well, I've spent the last week in Oklahoma City at Oklahoma Christian University as a camp counselor at a Christian high school camp called Zenith. It was amazing...as usual! This was my third year to counsel, and every year it gets a little better. My male co-counselor and I had 14 teens for the week to love on, bond with, and model Christ to. I must say that they were one of the most well-behaved and mature groups I've had yet. God is so awesome and so faithful, to take the meager seeds that we sow into the lives of others and nurture them and help them to grow! The last night of Zenith was the best, I'll say. In our group time, we read a chapter in Mark Cahill's book (see my favorite book list) called "If they're breathing, they need Jesus." We talked about how hard, but how important it is to share Jesus with those around us. Then we talked about our talk matching our walk, and I was able to use that to share my testimony. It's one that some in the Church of Christ may not believe, but I'm okay with that. I use the Bible to measure my experiences by. It overrides all that I think and feel. It is truth.
Here's a glimpse of my testimony of coming to Jesus Christ:
I was baptized with I was 10 (I think). I truly believed in Jesus and wanted to be a "Christian." But something would prove to be very wrong with my walk as a Christian in the years to come. Although I believed in Jesus, intellectually, (by the way, so does Satan) I didn't really know what repentance meant or that I even needed it. I was consoled in my sin, loved it, and lived in it. I attended church, but had no desire to read the Word of God or fellowship with other believers. I didn't have the fruits of the Spirit or fruit of thanksgiving & good works. I had no fruit of repentance (I did not have a changed life). When Jesus takes over a person's heart, things will absolutely change. I didn't desire the things of God, but the things of the world. Examining myself against what the Scriptures say, I believe with all of my heart that had I died in my sins, I would be in hell at this moment.
Well, I was 20, I had come through my battle with alcoholism and had been sober 2 years, when our youth minister at the time, Benny Nowell :) asked me to chaperone on a youth retreat called Winterfest. I told him I'd think about it, but secretly thought he was crazy because he wouldn't ask if he knew how I really lived. There were many sins I just held on to, and didn't really see much wrong with it...until he asked me to be a godly chaperone to these kids. I thought and thought and thought about it, and was really prompted inwardly to go. And so I did. Jeff Walling was speaking, and I remember the theme of the entire weekend was "It's about time!" (It's about time you left your sin and stop putting it off. Can you guarantee me that you will wake up tomorrow? What if you die in your sin?) I knew that I was not right with God deep down, and the reality of eternity was staring me in the face. I finally realized that I had only been giving Jesus a percentage of my life, when He demanded 100% of my heart. I was terrified to leave my sin, because it's all I knew and all my friends did, but that night, on February 15, 2002, I gave all of my heart to Jesus Christ. I was so emotional that weekend, as I was sorrowful over my sin and joyful at the same time for the precious gift of Christ. And my life has never been the same since. Almost immediately, things in my heart began to change, and they still continue to change in the process of sanctification. My glaring sins that I had held onto so tightly, I now found the strength through Christ to leave behind, never to return. He truly gave me a new heart with new desires!!!
And so I was able to share my experiences with my kids at Zenith, and to talk with them about the fruits of a godly life. We can fool everyone around us-our friends, family, people at church, even ourselves, but we can't fool God. He knows our hearts and whether we thirst after Him or the things of the world. Mark's book generated some good discussion and some were asking me where they could get a copy and how much, since it would equip them to better share Jesus with their friends. Every kid left with one of Mark's book that night, and I know that God will use it to not only touch their hearts, but in the furthering of his kingdom as they share Christ with others!
The youth ministers teach the classes that the teens go to (3 a day for 4 days). I'm so thankful for all of the youth ministers, their love for God, and for their steadfastness in preparing lessons that would invest biblical truths in the lives of our youth. But out of the 12 classes we went to, some stuck out in my heart more than others. The following are 3 classes that God really used to touch or speak to my heart through:
1. Doug Oaks' class really challenged me even more to be aware of the conformity we live by, sometimes not even knowing it, in the church. Like the way we talk, dress, behave, etc. What's our real heart's motive? He also showed a video that addressed things that I have never seen addressed in the Church of Christ. I love truth and when I saw the video, I just wanted to jump up and down and cheer! The video was about people who are in our churches that have never truly been born-again, and the narrator referred to them as the "radically churched." I think the enemy has so many people blinded to their non-repentance and their trust in works or religion to save them. Doug gave me a website www.imb.org (I think), so I'm going to check it out. I would beg any believer to check out www.livingwaters.com, click on the "free audios," and listen to "True and False Conversion." The Bible actually speaks loudly about true and about false conversion, and it explains so much of why the church is the way it is today. Check it out!
2. Benny Nowell presented his Dry Bones ministry in his class and related it to how we can apply it to our lives. Dry Bones is a ministry (his is in Denver) that helps kids on the street by loving them, providing tangible help, and by showing Christ to them. I was so challenged to get out of my comfort zone and love others that are different from myself. I was so touched by it that I'm going to start praying and considering if I can visit the Nowells in Denver and help out with Dry Bones when I'm there. You can check out their website at www.drybonesdenver.org.
3. Adam Copeland taught a class about Mary, and we talked about how Mary must have felt as she held her son and watched him grow up, the son of God. He asked us to write a letter to our future children and to include some of the hopes and dreams we had for them and what characteristics we would want for them. I must say, it was difficult at first. I'm used to thinking in terms of writing to my future husband, because I journal to him, but never have I written to my future children. The only thing that I could really muster up to write, was that:
"Your father and I love each other so much, and we love you with all that we have. More important than any gift or experience or characteristic we could wish for you, is the experience of a saving relationship with Christ Jesus. We pray that you would seek Him with all your heart, honor Him in all you do, and be obedient to Him no matter what the cost. Your father and I pledge that we will do everything we can, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to model a Christ-centered marriage to you, to love you with the love of Christ, and to raise you to fear and love the Lord. We will teach you His ways and lead you toward the Savior."
I'm paraphrasing, but I just kept going in circles thinking of what to say. It made me realize just that much more how my relationship with my future husband will impact our children, especially when it comes to how we model Christ. I guess now I know what to say to them, how I feel, and what I believe will be most important in raising them. I love children so much, and I can't wait to love and enjoy my own one day as precious gifts from our creator!
On the way home, we stopped in Searcy, AR to stay the night with some of our friends from Harding. Angie, my road buddy and good friend, graduated from Haring University in Searcy, and I went there my freshman year of college. She stayed with a good friend of hers and my sister and I spent the night with my good friend Amanda and her new husband Joshua. I grew up with Amanda. We went to preschool and kindergarten together, and we grew up in the same church. She also graduated from Harding and I was there her sophmore year. It was such a blessing to be with her and Josh! I came out to Searcy for their wedding in March and was so blessed to be able to witness a marriage between two people who are committed to purity like they are. They kissed for the first time at the alter! I've read about it in books (like Josh Harris' books), but they actually embraced that standard for their courship! It's so hard for me to imagine that, but I know that all things are possible through Christ. Not that I necessarily think that kissing of anykind is sinful before marriage, because I don't, but I am confident that their marriage will be blessed that much more by their steadfast commitment to allow "not even a hint" of sexual immorality be found among them. Anyway, it was fun catching up and awesome just to be able to share with them all the ways God was stirring hearts at Zenith. I'm so greatful for my sisters and brothers in Christ!!!
I should really go to bed, since it's 2am-I have to be at work at 8am!!! That's what I get for getting "out of the loop" in blogworld and having to read and write a whole lot to catch up! Good night...you'll probably get more sleep than I. :)
Here's a glimpse of my testimony of coming to Jesus Christ:
I was baptized with I was 10 (I think). I truly believed in Jesus and wanted to be a "Christian." But something would prove to be very wrong with my walk as a Christian in the years to come. Although I believed in Jesus, intellectually, (by the way, so does Satan) I didn't really know what repentance meant or that I even needed it. I was consoled in my sin, loved it, and lived in it. I attended church, but had no desire to read the Word of God or fellowship with other believers. I didn't have the fruits of the Spirit or fruit of thanksgiving & good works. I had no fruit of repentance (I did not have a changed life). When Jesus takes over a person's heart, things will absolutely change. I didn't desire the things of God, but the things of the world. Examining myself against what the Scriptures say, I believe with all of my heart that had I died in my sins, I would be in hell at this moment.
Well, I was 20, I had come through my battle with alcoholism and had been sober 2 years, when our youth minister at the time, Benny Nowell :) asked me to chaperone on a youth retreat called Winterfest. I told him I'd think about it, but secretly thought he was crazy because he wouldn't ask if he knew how I really lived. There were many sins I just held on to, and didn't really see much wrong with it...until he asked me to be a godly chaperone to these kids. I thought and thought and thought about it, and was really prompted inwardly to go. And so I did. Jeff Walling was speaking, and I remember the theme of the entire weekend was "It's about time!" (It's about time you left your sin and stop putting it off. Can you guarantee me that you will wake up tomorrow? What if you die in your sin?) I knew that I was not right with God deep down, and the reality of eternity was staring me in the face. I finally realized that I had only been giving Jesus a percentage of my life, when He demanded 100% of my heart. I was terrified to leave my sin, because it's all I knew and all my friends did, but that night, on February 15, 2002, I gave all of my heart to Jesus Christ. I was so emotional that weekend, as I was sorrowful over my sin and joyful at the same time for the precious gift of Christ. And my life has never been the same since. Almost immediately, things in my heart began to change, and they still continue to change in the process of sanctification. My glaring sins that I had held onto so tightly, I now found the strength through Christ to leave behind, never to return. He truly gave me a new heart with new desires!!!
And so I was able to share my experiences with my kids at Zenith, and to talk with them about the fruits of a godly life. We can fool everyone around us-our friends, family, people at church, even ourselves, but we can't fool God. He knows our hearts and whether we thirst after Him or the things of the world. Mark's book generated some good discussion and some were asking me where they could get a copy and how much, since it would equip them to better share Jesus with their friends. Every kid left with one of Mark's book that night, and I know that God will use it to not only touch their hearts, but in the furthering of his kingdom as they share Christ with others!
The youth ministers teach the classes that the teens go to (3 a day for 4 days). I'm so thankful for all of the youth ministers, their love for God, and for their steadfastness in preparing lessons that would invest biblical truths in the lives of our youth. But out of the 12 classes we went to, some stuck out in my heart more than others. The following are 3 classes that God really used to touch or speak to my heart through:
1. Doug Oaks' class really challenged me even more to be aware of the conformity we live by, sometimes not even knowing it, in the church. Like the way we talk, dress, behave, etc. What's our real heart's motive? He also showed a video that addressed things that I have never seen addressed in the Church of Christ. I love truth and when I saw the video, I just wanted to jump up and down and cheer! The video was about people who are in our churches that have never truly been born-again, and the narrator referred to them as the "radically churched." I think the enemy has so many people blinded to their non-repentance and their trust in works or religion to save them. Doug gave me a website www.imb.org (I think), so I'm going to check it out. I would beg any believer to check out www.livingwaters.com, click on the "free audios," and listen to "True and False Conversion." The Bible actually speaks loudly about true and about false conversion, and it explains so much of why the church is the way it is today. Check it out!
2. Benny Nowell presented his Dry Bones ministry in his class and related it to how we can apply it to our lives. Dry Bones is a ministry (his is in Denver) that helps kids on the street by loving them, providing tangible help, and by showing Christ to them. I was so challenged to get out of my comfort zone and love others that are different from myself. I was so touched by it that I'm going to start praying and considering if I can visit the Nowells in Denver and help out with Dry Bones when I'm there. You can check out their website at www.drybonesdenver.org.
3. Adam Copeland taught a class about Mary, and we talked about how Mary must have felt as she held her son and watched him grow up, the son of God. He asked us to write a letter to our future children and to include some of the hopes and dreams we had for them and what characteristics we would want for them. I must say, it was difficult at first. I'm used to thinking in terms of writing to my future husband, because I journal to him, but never have I written to my future children. The only thing that I could really muster up to write, was that:
"Your father and I love each other so much, and we love you with all that we have. More important than any gift or experience or characteristic we could wish for you, is the experience of a saving relationship with Christ Jesus. We pray that you would seek Him with all your heart, honor Him in all you do, and be obedient to Him no matter what the cost. Your father and I pledge that we will do everything we can, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to model a Christ-centered marriage to you, to love you with the love of Christ, and to raise you to fear and love the Lord. We will teach you His ways and lead you toward the Savior."
I'm paraphrasing, but I just kept going in circles thinking of what to say. It made me realize just that much more how my relationship with my future husband will impact our children, especially when it comes to how we model Christ. I guess now I know what to say to them, how I feel, and what I believe will be most important in raising them. I love children so much, and I can't wait to love and enjoy my own one day as precious gifts from our creator!
On the way home, we stopped in Searcy, AR to stay the night with some of our friends from Harding. Angie, my road buddy and good friend, graduated from Haring University in Searcy, and I went there my freshman year of college. She stayed with a good friend of hers and my sister and I spent the night with my good friend Amanda and her new husband Joshua. I grew up with Amanda. We went to preschool and kindergarten together, and we grew up in the same church. She also graduated from Harding and I was there her sophmore year. It was such a blessing to be with her and Josh! I came out to Searcy for their wedding in March and was so blessed to be able to witness a marriage between two people who are committed to purity like they are. They kissed for the first time at the alter! I've read about it in books (like Josh Harris' books), but they actually embraced that standard for their courship! It's so hard for me to imagine that, but I know that all things are possible through Christ. Not that I necessarily think that kissing of anykind is sinful before marriage, because I don't, but I am confident that their marriage will be blessed that much more by their steadfast commitment to allow "not even a hint" of sexual immorality be found among them. Anyway, it was fun catching up and awesome just to be able to share with them all the ways God was stirring hearts at Zenith. I'm so greatful for my sisters and brothers in Christ!!!
I should really go to bed, since it's 2am-I have to be at work at 8am!!! That's what I get for getting "out of the loop" in blogworld and having to read and write a whole lot to catch up! Good night...you'll probably get more sleep than I. :)
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Reflections...
Wow it’s been such a busy week! It amazes me how busy I stay even when school is out. I finally got registered for summer school last weekend!!! I’ve really enjoyed the time off, but knew it would be short lived…
My sister graduated from high school on Friday. It is so weird every time I go back to Southport High, I remember so much of my years spent there. Some good, some bad. I’m so excited for her, but also scared. Life as she knows it is about to change drastically. I think she may go to IUPUI with me this fall. That gives me a chance to do some more of that “big sister stuff.” :) I love her, and I’m so grateful that God has, through His grace, allowed me to be an example of Christ to her. He has given me the opportunity the last few years to learn how to love her and really get to know her as a person. I’m so glad we have a friendship today, as it has definitely not always been so.
I was in Celebrate Recovery the other night, and heard something that was really profound to me. The lady was talking about how our understanding is so limited compared to the understanding of an infinite and holy God. She said she had always trusted God as much as she understood, but that she recently felt Him saying to her, “Child, do not let your understanding determine your trust.” Wow! I mean, how often am I trusting when I can maybe see how things are going to work out well, but when something terrible happens or I don’t understand why it is happening, my trust can go right out the window? Who is more trustworthy than the God of this universe, and who better to be in control than the one who created every cell in my body? Lord, help me to trust you more.
We just wrapped up the quarter for Wednesday night class for the children. I was blessed to help out in the kindergarten class this last quarter and will miss working with the kids. It was really a challenge for me that turned out to be a blessing. I didn’t really want to do it because I wanted to leave that night open for homework. Then God really started showing me that I needed to be more involved with my church and to learn how to serve others. Sometimes I have no idea how selfish I am until the Lord reveals it gently. Some of the kids were so hyper that their attention span ran about 1.5 seconds. LOL. Others were so sweet and well behaved it was impossible not to fall in love with. Children are such precious gifts from God!
I baby-sit for a family with four boys every Monday night, ages ranging from 5th grade to 6 months. Their parents are believers and to all of you parents out there, it is so refreshing to see parents raising their children up in the Lord! Their youngest is really a doll. I’ve been watching the boys since before he was born. He smiles and giggles more than any other baby I’ve ever seen. He’s recently discovered his feet, and it’s hilarious to see the excitement on his face when he’s laying down and catches a foot out of the corner of his eye. Straight for the mouth it goes! He’s at that age where he thinks that EVERYTHING goes into his mouth. When I first started, the extra money each week was nice. But over the months, it has turned into much more of a blessing than that. I feel that God has given me a real glimpse into the life of a family with children. What a blessing, but what responsibility! I want to have a family so bad someday, but it’s obvious that my heart needs more preparation. One day I pray I’ll be ready for all of that responsibility! And so I’m thankful for the relationships I’m building with the boys. They are teaching me patience, love, and how to be less selfish. :)
My sister graduated from high school on Friday. It is so weird every time I go back to Southport High, I remember so much of my years spent there. Some good, some bad. I’m so excited for her, but also scared. Life as she knows it is about to change drastically. I think she may go to IUPUI with me this fall. That gives me a chance to do some more of that “big sister stuff.” :) I love her, and I’m so grateful that God has, through His grace, allowed me to be an example of Christ to her. He has given me the opportunity the last few years to learn how to love her and really get to know her as a person. I’m so glad we have a friendship today, as it has definitely not always been so.
I was in Celebrate Recovery the other night, and heard something that was really profound to me. The lady was talking about how our understanding is so limited compared to the understanding of an infinite and holy God. She said she had always trusted God as much as she understood, but that she recently felt Him saying to her, “Child, do not let your understanding determine your trust.” Wow! I mean, how often am I trusting when I can maybe see how things are going to work out well, but when something terrible happens or I don’t understand why it is happening, my trust can go right out the window? Who is more trustworthy than the God of this universe, and who better to be in control than the one who created every cell in my body? Lord, help me to trust you more.
We just wrapped up the quarter for Wednesday night class for the children. I was blessed to help out in the kindergarten class this last quarter and will miss working with the kids. It was really a challenge for me that turned out to be a blessing. I didn’t really want to do it because I wanted to leave that night open for homework. Then God really started showing me that I needed to be more involved with my church and to learn how to serve others. Sometimes I have no idea how selfish I am until the Lord reveals it gently. Some of the kids were so hyper that their attention span ran about 1.5 seconds. LOL. Others were so sweet and well behaved it was impossible not to fall in love with. Children are such precious gifts from God!
I baby-sit for a family with four boys every Monday night, ages ranging from 5th grade to 6 months. Their parents are believers and to all of you parents out there, it is so refreshing to see parents raising their children up in the Lord! Their youngest is really a doll. I’ve been watching the boys since before he was born. He smiles and giggles more than any other baby I’ve ever seen. He’s recently discovered his feet, and it’s hilarious to see the excitement on his face when he’s laying down and catches a foot out of the corner of his eye. Straight for the mouth it goes! He’s at that age where he thinks that EVERYTHING goes into his mouth. When I first started, the extra money each week was nice. But over the months, it has turned into much more of a blessing than that. I feel that God has given me a real glimpse into the life of a family with children. What a blessing, but what responsibility! I want to have a family so bad someday, but it’s obvious that my heart needs more preparation. One day I pray I’ll be ready for all of that responsibility! And so I’m thankful for the relationships I’m building with the boys. They are teaching me patience, love, and how to be less selfish. :)
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Here we go again
I haven't posted in a while, but I've honestly been trying. For reasons beyond my control and for reasons of shear stupidity, I've decided to just start over from scratch.It's kind of hard to explain what happened, but I'll give it a go...
Several nights ago, I was typing a post, and I had been typing for about 45 minutes when I lost the entire thing by accidentally clicking on the "Back" button. I sat there for a moment in disbelief, and after a long groan, I decided to retype the entire thing. After I finished retyping the post, and as I was proof-reading, my cat flew into the office and ran into the powerbar behind my computer desk, knocking the plug loose. As I dove for the plug to make sure it was secure, my computer lost all power!!! I burst into tears, realizing that it was all gone...again!!! For a moment I mourned the sleep that I could have been enjoying since my efforts typing proved to be a waste of time. As I switched to denile mode, I got back on the computer with a glimmer of hope that it was somehow saved. My fears were confirmed, and with much distress, I retired for the night.
The next night, I locked my cat out of the office and attempted to try again. By the third draft, I really knew what I wanted to say and was beginning to memorize the whole thing. :) I finished the post, and published it successfully!!! ...or so I thought. The post was showing up on my interface screen as being published, but never showed up on the website. For two days, I tried everything I could to fix the problem. I e-mailed for blog support help and went through the list of things to try when experiencing difficulties with updating and publishing. All to no avail. Finally, last night I decided to create another blog and move all of my posts to that blog, even though that is really not what I wanted to do. After setting up another blog, I decided to delete it and to just continue to try to find resolution for the old one. So after I deleted the new blog, I clicked on my original blog and it was gone!!! I accidentally deleted the wrong blog, and now not only was the entire last post not even able to be recovered (the one I had already lost twice), but all my other posts were gone too! So after crying and pouting for a little while, I decided to get over it and move on. So what was the lesson: always save posts somewhere else in case they are lost. At least I will NEVER make that mistake again...So, here we go again!
Several nights ago, I was typing a post, and I had been typing for about 45 minutes when I lost the entire thing by accidentally clicking on the "Back" button. I sat there for a moment in disbelief, and after a long groan, I decided to retype the entire thing. After I finished retyping the post, and as I was proof-reading, my cat flew into the office and ran into the powerbar behind my computer desk, knocking the plug loose. As I dove for the plug to make sure it was secure, my computer lost all power!!! I burst into tears, realizing that it was all gone...again!!! For a moment I mourned the sleep that I could have been enjoying since my efforts typing proved to be a waste of time. As I switched to denile mode, I got back on the computer with a glimmer of hope that it was somehow saved. My fears were confirmed, and with much distress, I retired for the night.
The next night, I locked my cat out of the office and attempted to try again. By the third draft, I really knew what I wanted to say and was beginning to memorize the whole thing. :) I finished the post, and published it successfully!!! ...or so I thought. The post was showing up on my interface screen as being published, but never showed up on the website. For two days, I tried everything I could to fix the problem. I e-mailed for blog support help and went through the list of things to try when experiencing difficulties with updating and publishing. All to no avail. Finally, last night I decided to create another blog and move all of my posts to that blog, even though that is really not what I wanted to do. After setting up another blog, I decided to delete it and to just continue to try to find resolution for the old one. So after I deleted the new blog, I clicked on my original blog and it was gone!!! I accidentally deleted the wrong blog, and now not only was the entire last post not even able to be recovered (the one I had already lost twice), but all my other posts were gone too! So after crying and pouting for a little while, I decided to get over it and move on. So what was the lesson: always save posts somewhere else in case they are lost. At least I will NEVER make that mistake again...So, here we go again!
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